Great Golf Stories

By Eye Magazine published 9 November, 2011 No Comments

After the pure nail biting excitement of that last day of The Masters Golf tournament from Augusta we got to thinking about the sport and what a funny way it is to spend a considerable amount of time. A few humorous tales came up and we’d like to share them with you.

A really rubbish golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being hopeless, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.” The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger’s tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, “How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?” Arnold replies: “When I was your age, I’d just play right over this tree.”
Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol’ Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree. Arnold replied: “Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”

Bill and his wife Sally died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. Right over here, we have our very own golf course! “Wow! It’s beautiful! Can we play it now?” they both asked. “Sure!” said the angel. Therefore, the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect… the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry. Sally confronted her husband on what was wrong. She said, “I can’t understand why you’re not happy. We’re in Heaven! We’re together! We’re playing on the most beautiful and perfect golf course ever! What’s wrong with you?” Bill replied, “If you hadn’t fed us that damn health food, we’d have been here years ago!”

Bill, Ralph, and Fred gathered for a round of golf on Mother’s Day. The men were quite surprised at being “let go” for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife. Fred said, “I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.” Ralph said, “I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.” Bill said, “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,’ and she said: ‘I’ll put your clubs in the car’.”

Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed like hours. “I’ll ask if we can play through,” Bill said as he strode toward the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel and went back to where his companion was waiting. “Can’t do it,” he explained, sheepishly. “One of them is my wife and the other’s my mistress!” “I’ll ask,” said Ralph. He started off, only to turn and come back before reaching the green. “What’s wrong?” Bill asked. Ralph replied, “Small world, isn’t it?”

My wife asked me why I don’t play golf with Patrick anymore. I asked her “would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?” “Certainly not, dear” she replied. “Well, neither would he.”